Some readers might see this post as my tribute to the Games of the XXX Olympiad in London. I could definitely use this as an opportunity to give my two cents from atop my soapbox. I could discuss my disgust for domestic media outlets and independent, freelance Facebook reporters who spoiled my Olympic experience with premature results before they aired “live” on primetime NBC. I could say how disappointed I was with P&G from suggesting that mothers are the only parent who deserve thanks. I could shout out (in no particular order): the feats of Michael Phelps or the awesomeness of Oscar Pistorius or the strength of Kayla Harrison or Serena Williams' C-walk at the prim and proper All England Club or Usain Bolt for shocking everyone, except himself, with his electrifying performances or the countless other amazing stories. I could even add to the commentary about "Golden" Gabby Douglas' hair - which has been the topic of debate in the black community - and explain why she should go to Howard University (even though a Spelman College alum said that as far as HBCU rankings are concerned, #1 Spelman suits Gabby better than Howard, which is nothing more than Viktoria Komova).
I could, but I won't.
This post has nothing to do with the Olympics - despite its title - and everything to do with diapers and the changing of them. From the moment I knew I was going to be a father, I couldn’t wait to change diapers. I was a little rusty. I've been out of the diaper changing game for about 14 years with my last successful one in '98 with Bryce and Davia. I was eager to see if muscle memory works with changing a diaper as it does with riding a bike. More importantly, I secretly have a thing for dirty diapers. It's like Christmas every changing; I can't wait to see what exciting presents my babies have for me. So, in our attempts to have the best Christmases, I mean, diapering experience possible, KJo and I did extensive research. There’s nothing better than a well wrapped Christmas gift and we had to choose between the "traditional" disposable approach, the "trendy" cloth-diapering phenomenon, or the "au naturale" movement (you know, where you call "773-202...boop beep boop beep LUNA" to get their signature newspaper-carpet so that baby can be uninhibited and unrestrained). "Traditional" disposals are too boring and too costly and "au naturale"is just plan nasty. Cloth-diapers - not the white handkerchief-looking things with the safety pin as I assumed - have a wide variety of designs and styles to choose from. We narrowed the field down to Bumgenius (the shell cloth design with a washable insert) and G Diapers (the shell-hybrid cloth design with a disposable, biodegradable insert). For me, G Diapers brought me back to my childhood.
This is how we do it, all hands are in the air/
And wave them from here to there/
If you're an O.G. mack or a wanna-be player/
You see the hood's been good to me/
ever since I was a lower-case G/
- This is How We Do it
Montel Jordan (’95)
Every G Diaper has a lower-case G on the back. That’s all I needed to know to make my decision. When July 21st came and both Bernard David and Kaylani were 3lbs 1oz and 4lbs 10oz respectively, they weren’t G Diaper ready. They need about a month or two to get their weight up. Until then, our G Diaper Starters Bundle will collect dust as they’ll be premie Pampers disposables. At Parenting Boot Camp (Northwestern’s NICU), the nurses taught us some diaper changing fundamentals: first, put the new diaper underneath the waiting baby; next, put the wipes at the ready, finally, commence the changing, and a special note: place the boys penis down to prevent leakage and for girls make sure that the vagina is clear of feces to prevent contamination wiping front to back. It’s that simple. The difficulty is preparing your nose, stomach, reflexes for all the antics that comes with diaper changing. All this talk about diapers reminds me of a joke:
This guy comes into a bar, walks up to the bartender. Says, "Bartender, I got me a bet for you. I'm gonna bet you $300 that I can [urinate] into that glass over there and not spill a single, solitary drop." The bartender looks. I mean, we're talking, like, this glass is like a good ten feet away. He says, "Now wait, let me get this straight. You're trying to tell me you'll bet me $300 that you can [urinate], standing over here, way over there into that glass, and not spill a single drop?" Customer looks up and says, "That's right." Bartender says, "Young man, you got a bet." The guy goes, "Okay, here we go. Here we go." Pulls out his thing. He's looking at the glass, man. He's thinking about the glass. He's thinking about the glass. Glass. He's thinking about the glass, glass. Thinking about his [penis]. [Penis], glass, [penis], glass, [penis], glass, [penis], glass, [penis], glass, [penis], glass, [penis], glass. And then, *foosh*, he lets it rip. And he [urinates] all over the place, man. He's [urinating] on the bar. He [urinating] on the stools, on the floor, on the phone, on the bartender! He's [urinating] everywhere except the [stinking] glass! Right? Okay. So, bartender, he's laughing his [butt] off. He's $300 richer. He's like, "Ha, ha, ha, ha!" [Urine] dripping off his face. "Ha, ha, ha, ha!" He says, "You [stupid] idiot, man! You got it in everything except the glass! You owe me $300 [sucka]." Guy goes, "Excuse me just one-one little second." Goes in the back of the bar. In back, there's a couple of guys playing pool. He walks over to them. Comes back to the bar. Goes, "Here you go, Mr. Bartender, 300." And the bartender's like, "What the [hell] are you so happy about? You just lost $300, idiot!" The guy says, "Well, see those guys over there? I just bet them $500 a piece that I could [urinate] on your bar, [urinate] on your floor, [urinate] on your phone, and [urinate] on you, and not only would you not be mad about it, you'd be happy."
- Desperado (‘95)
The bartender had the perfect attitude and I too want to show unbridled happiness when either Kaylani or Bernard David use me as their human-diaper. I think it’s developmentally appropriate because 1) my children are able to recognize my face and voice; 2) with that recognition they have a great sense of timing with their strike; and 3) they use precision and accuracy to hit a target.
As I watched the Olympics in the NICU family waiting room between my diaper changing duties, I pondered what role my children will play in the 2032 Olympics and beyond. Will they be participants or spectators? Will they cover, report, or document the games? In thinking about their futures, I also questioned the present: why is there not an Olympic sport for diaper changing? There are millions and millions of fathers in the world, so why hasn’t this been done already? I’m sure we can come to a consensus about the rules and regulations for the official Diaper Changing to debut at the 2016 Rio de Janeiro Olympics.
First, let me say I am fully aware that the term "Golden Shower" was popularized by The Boondocks (Season 1, Episode 2) and is synonymous with a certain entertainer from a certain city, both of whom will remain nameless. I want to distance myself from that individual and reclaim the term “golden showers” for fathers. Charlie & Andy - from the How to Be a Dad blog - give humor insight into the Art of Diaper Changing with Diaper Safety Tips, Skid Marks, and - my personal favorites - Diaper Loads Part I and Part II. Their illustrations gives the perils and pitfalls of diaper changing. It's these perils and pitfalls that are what make fatherhood so great; they are a father's right-of-passage. I want my trial by diaper. If Olympic athletes get rewarded for their prowess, then fathers should also be able to earn medals for the fathering prowess. When the IOC finally returns my calls, here's what I will propose for the sport of Diaper Changing:
Rule and Regulations -
- a diaper - when timed for competition - can be changed in 45 seconds and fathers should be shooting for 12 diapers in an allotted time of 9 minutes
- it will be Pool Play - eight groups, five fathers per group - where the top four from each group advance to the single-elimination tournament
Scoring -
- Judging will be like in gymnastics where there are certain element of the diaper changing routine that must be in place
- use of only one baby wipe is an efficient and conservative standard. A one point deduction will be assess for each wipe used over one
- medals will be reward for each diaper giving a father the opportunity to earn up to 12 medals each match
- the father with the most medals at the end of the match, wins
- Medal are as follow:
- Completing a diaper change and getting hit with projectile urine OR anything more than five points deduction OR over 75 seconds gets a Golden Shower Medal
- Completing a diaper change and having feces left on the fingers or hands/arms or even face OR between one and four points deduction OR between 46 and 74 seconds gets a Bronze Bath Medal
- successfully changing a diaper with none of the above incidents under 45 seconds AND no deductions gets the coveted Silver Lining Medal.
As you can see, I really put some thought into this. Every diaper change I have been simulating match play by timing myself and trying to earn the lease amount of deductions. I've even been getting coaching tips from other fathers (little do they know they'll be my competition in 2016). I don't think it's fair that some father stoop as low as to use performance enhancers from companies like Beba Bean, who are profiting from Golden Shower Medal avoidance with products like the Pee-Pee Teepee. I refuse to use any banned aids when my origami skills are sufficient enough to make one out of baby wipes. I decided attempt a few changes with no baby wipes on Bernard David in hopes of experiencing the defeat of a Golden Shower Medal. It happened on August 5th at 6:23pm. A routine changing left me soaking and my response was an emphatic “YES!!” followed by some giggling. I was so excited. After two weeks of waiting, I finally felt like a real father. My son had unloaded on me. To be fair, he was in an isolatte, so he only peed on my hand. Nevertheless, a Gold Shower Medal is still a Gold Shower Medal. Five days later I earned my first Bronze Bath Medal. With this medal, I can honestly say I cautiously expecting to get shat on. There were a few close calls with Kaylani, who we found out is very regular with her grown-up farts. Each time she released into a waiting, open diaper. By accident, I discovered that if I slowly pushed her legs to her stomach in a bicycle motion, she’d release. On August 10th, I attempted my trick to clear her out as we embarked on our first bath and...let me put it this way: you know that frosting thing that pastry chefs use to decorate their pastries? Let’s say that icing implement was dropped on the floor and the chef happened to jump on it...yeah, that’s exactly how Kaylani’s liquid pooh squirted out on me, with the same sound.
I’m now in training. I take diaper changing seriously and my goal is to consistently earn Silver Lining Medals from now on. When the Preliminary Diaper Games air on ESPN 8, “The Ocho” - Dick Vitale will call me a Diaper Dandy Daddy, a rookie father who is simply sensational when it come to discarding dirty diapers. In other words: like Kaylani and Bernard David after a good feeding, I’ll be the *grunts and turns red* shhhh....
*Don't forget to check out photos on Tumblr here -> B, being dad
*Don't forget to check out photos on Tumblr here -> B, being dad
